I was doing some math today in my head, and it annoyed me, mostly because I hate math, but also… Why does Link always live in some shitty hovel?

I have been playing The Legend of Zelda in its various incarnations across a half a dozen systems for literally the length of my game playing days, and I always hook him up. By the end of the game he has been vastly rewarded in rupees for his intense hatred of stoneware and foliage, has the best magical armor, like the coolest sword in the world, some twenty random gadgets that do fuck-all unless used in the two buildings where it might be handy to flip over random spiky monsters or build very localized tornado and for what? Sure, he rescues Zelda, or escapes from some flying fish dream, or stops a meteor from destroying wherever, but it doesn’t seem to last. I read along the line that the Links are linked but not the same link because of cross linkage in the link linkity link link, but if I was born in Hyrule and my parents were cruel enough to name me Link and dress my dapper ass in green I can tell you things would go down a lot different.

For starters, if I save a princess she basically owes me half a kingdom, or at least a chance to octorock her world for a few nights then go hock all my weirdly specific adventuring gear and live a life of luxury. Maybe settle down, form the first Hyrulian Science council, and spend my vast fortunes dabbling in an understanding of the relentlessly cyclical nature of life, try to maybe find a way to stop it, you know, for the kids. Also, I don’t think I would be all that in a rush. It seems to me that each time she gets kidnapped there is plenty or time for me to wander around aimlessly charging walls and attempting to blow up half the world looking for shells/rupees/Jimmy Hoffa/Crazy Fairies with magic powers that can be bottled for energy like Red Bull. I steal more hearts than Michael Buble and buy the biggest best everything and a dozen potions and generally waste all the time possible before finding whatever version of eternal darkness is the soup de jour and then finally get around to curb stomping him with my thoroughly OP speed boots. I really think, if Link wanted a day off, he prolly could take it no prob…

GAME OVER

RETURN OF GANON

Oh, snap.
- Mr. Pantz

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